What hurts the most
by Bookworm2700
Summary: 'What hurts the most was being so close. And having to much to say. And watching you walk away.' I was so close to telling you, Peeta. I love you. But then you walked away. I'll crawl to the ends of the earth to save you, and to let you know I love you.R


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games or What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts. **

"You're being stupid!" Shrieked Haymitch at me from across the table.

"Oh, I'm the one being stupid? You're using me like a toy you stupid drunk!" This merely fueled the furious rage in Haymitch, but seemed to satisfy my own.

Everyone at the table was staring at us, Finnick, Gale, Boggs, Beete, Plurtarch, and President Coin. We were fighting about a propo I refused to shoot. I was done being a little girl who they saw as someone who would bend at their will. I'm Katniss Everdeen, I do what I want. The only reason I'm doing this is for Peeta.

Then Haymitch said the unspeakable. " The only reason your doing this is because of stupid, pathetic, Peeta. Well sweetheart, I'll be the one to tell you here and now. He won't last a day. He's weak and useless, just like you." snarled the old man, and I felt tears weal in my eyes.

Haymitch looked shocked that he had said that and was trying to take it back. "Katniss, I, I, didn't mean- I'm sorry- I really- Wait! Don't leave-"

"Save it, Haymitch. I'm not wanted here, obviously, but let me make one thing clear. I will get Peeta back, if I have to go to the Capitol by myself, and die trying to save him. I bet none of you knew that I actually did – and do- love Peeta. You were just to far caught up in your own plans to care about anyone but yourself. Rot in hell, all of you." I snapped and walked out, before anyone could see the tears fall.

…...

I looked at the rope in my hands. Brown. Worn out by my many knots. I felt like I was tying my sanity together. It would stay intact for a while, then slip away once again.

I was outside the district, I had run for three hours stopping momentarily for short rests. I ran until the shouting voices disappeared, and the helicopters flew by. I ran until I couldn't think about anything except the ground ahead of me and trying to get away from everything.

When I finally stopped, it was by a large ring of oak trees that encircled a tiny, cut down stump. I could hear the rush of a river somewhere near, or maybe it was an ocean, like in District Four. I sat down on the center stump, trying to catch the breath I had lost in the hours of running.

The stump was rough and I ran my hands over it, counting the many circles that traced their way around and around. Like water, when you threw a stone in it and it rippled. That was when I brought out the rope and here I am now.

I heard something turn as I was in the middle of making a noose, deciding if I should just end it all. Then another turn sounded, like gears turning, and a click. The clicks continued steadily and then a bang as the world fell out from under me.

The last thing I saw was the sky closing up into a small oval, then nothing except the blackness.

…...

"Hey look, Arron. It's that Katniss Everwreen chick that we saw on T.V." Said a voice as I opened my eyes.

Two boys were standing over me, one with black hair and blue eyes, the other with brown hair and green eyes. They looked alike, a similar nose, and the curve of their lips. I would guess that they were cousins, siblings perhaps.

"Where am I?" I asked groggily. The boy with blue eyes laughed.

"You're in District 14. And Arron, her name is Katniss Everdeen. Not Everween. Idiot." I laughed at that.

"Wait." I asked realizing that there was no such thing as District 14. There were only the original 13 districts. "District 14 doesn't exist." I said, and Arron put his head in his hands.

"Orion, its your turn to tell the story."

"Bu- Fine." Said Orion and then held out his hand to me. I looked at it, and he sighed and grabbed mine.

"Okay." He said, pulling me up. Then he and Arron began to walk briskly down lone halls. "There were 15 districts to start with, but the Capitol got angry with district 15 right away and boom. They were gone. I think they specialized in combat training. Peacekeepers used to come from there. Now, our district used to -and still do- discover new places all around the world. We study history and try to communicate with other countries. Our job was to figure out how to make the world as it once was, the continents united. And we still aim to do that, but we need to stay hidden. The Capitol or any of the other districts can't know we live, because they were start to try and make war with us and swarm. Until you. We always knew that District 13 was trying to make war once again. You gave them more leverage in a losing fight, which is why they are trying to use you to their advantage." I scurried after the two as we moved even farther into the labyrinth.

All the walls were painted a different color, toned down colors though. Each time we moved into another hall, and new color would pop up. Murals and paintings lined the walls, and drawings that looked as if children had made them were strung up around the walls. Peeta would have loved this place. It wasn't dull and boring like District 13, for this one gave life off. I wished that I could live here forever.

Then we came to a large wooden door with a golden handle, giving off a gleam that was enchanting.

Orion knocked on the door three times, and it flew open, leaving us standing in the door frame. A man in odd blue pants and a gray t-shirt and red flannel shirt stood in front of us. His blue eyes widened to the size of apples when they landed on me, and I shifted under his gaze.

"Are you Katniss?" He asked, and not trusting myself to speak, I just nodded.

"Pleasure to meet you! I'm Keent Huy, call me Ken. I'm the one who makes some of the decisions around here, so I suppose I'm something like a President, though I hate that title. I prefer a friend, or a decision maker." I liked this man already.

Orion nudged me and I asked the first thing on my mind. "What are your pants made of?" I knew I sounded stupid right away, but Ken just laughed.

"They're blue jeans, something the people used to wear before the sea level rose. But right now, I'm sure you have some questions, and I have a lot of them for you to. First lets get started with how you got here..."

…...

"So this is going to be your room for a while." Arron said, leading me into a small room. It had a bed with a blue quilt and pillows, along with a hand carved wooden desk. A door opened to reveal a large selection of what Arron and Orion told me were t-shirts, jeans, and sweaters. They said I could get some more comfort clothes now that I agreed to help them.

Ken had told me that District 14 was secretly deceiving the Capitol, and the fact that I was here, meant that now they could come out and destroy the Capitol in far less time than District 13 ever could. I was just to do interviews and make myself at home here.

I miss Prim, though. I miss Gale, and Finnick, and Beete. I know that they mean no harm, well, most likely the last two don't. Lately I haven't been sure with Gale, about anything. But I need to put that behind me and focus on the one thing Coin refused to let me do. Getting Peeta back. Ken has had this mission planned out for weeks, just waiting my arrival, for he knew I'd come soon. He knew I wouldn't be able to stand Coin, or the bleakness of District 13.

Orion and Arron also showed me their library. It was huge, three storys, with balconies that over looked the first floor. Sky high bookshelves lined each floor, and massive oriental desks made a statement. They also showed me their classrooms.

There were three teachers for each grade, and three classes. Unlike District 13, these classes were about history, and actually education. Like what the people before us used to do, Orion says.

I settled into a routine. Get up, dress, attend class, lunch, attend class again, physical courses, dinner, meet with some friends, talk to some of the younger kids, and then right before lights out, I would talk to Orion, Ken, and Arron about the past.

I learned so much from the classes and the three men. I found out that Orion and Arron were siblings, Orion was 20, and Arron was 19. All of them always were optimistic. Then I saw the propo.

It was quiet when I walked into Ken's office. Orion had his head in his hands, black hair fawning out over his pale skin. Arron was leaning forward his hands clenching the seats arm rest. I walked in, and saw that Ken himself was rubbing his temples in a stressed manner.

"Whats wrong?" I asked worriedly and the heads shot up.

"Tell her, Ken." Orion said and Ken shut his eyes, then opened them and gestured me over to the third chair in front of the desk. A T.V. Loomed behind it, and it was making static.

"These were aired tonight." Ken said as I sat down.

An image, fuzzy at first, but soon became clear, emerged on the screen.

Peeta, looking rather ravishing in his ink black suit and white shirt, was seated at the side of Caesar Flickerman, who had dyed his skin a hot pink, along with his hair and eyebrows.

"Peeta. How are you today?" Caesar asked Peeta, and Peeta stuck on a fake Capitol grin.

"My day has been lovely, Caesar. I bet you didn't expect me to come back from that Quell." Peeta said, stating the obvious.

"Well, yes. Most of us thought that you'd die for Katniss and your child." Caeser said in an uncomfortable tone of voice.

"It's what I expected too, Caesar. But right now we have more important matters to discuss."

"Yes, Peeta, We do. What do you think of this war with the rebels?" Caesar asks, getting into a better vibe than he had before.

" Well, I heard that those idiotic rebels, my mentor included," Peeta took a moment to glare at the camera, " have lost my wife. As in they can't find her. Now why would we want these people to rule us?" Peeta asks, and the crowd jeers wildly.

Ken then flipped to another station so that we can see three figures.

Haymitch. Beete. Finnick. Those are the people who sit around a large desk in the Command center. The last place I had been before I ran away from District 13.

"We didn't lose Katniss. Lets get that straight." Haymitch says right from the get go. "Katniss ran away. We didn't want her to, but this war has put to much stress on her. So you have no one to blame except for yourselves." Then, all three of them go into a detailed explanation as to why the Districts should join us, and not believe a word the Capitol says. Ken has shut off the T.V. By now, and I'm standing there, stunned.

"Do you know what this means, Katniss?" Ken asks and I nod. We need to come out. We need to be known. We need to start the fight.

…...

I'm in my room, to tired to speak. To think. To do anything except listen to the strange metal box with the CD floating inside. Orion called it a CD player, and hoped that it would help me. Right now, a man named Rascal was singing.

Another song came on, one that had been played so many times that I knew the words to it exactly, and I pulled my head up from the pillow, where my dark hair lay strewn like a shroud around me.

_**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,**_

_**That don't bother me. **_

The voice belted out in a beautiful symphony with musical instruments. I assumed this was a sad song by the way the music played in the background.

_**I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out. **_

I could tell what this man meant. I felt as if a burden had just been put on my shoulders. After hearing this song replay so many times, I began to sing with it.

_**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while, **_

_**Even though, going on with you gone,**_

_**Still**_

_**Upsets**_

_**Me.**_

I can barley breath without Peeta. I knew that I loved Peeta, but I was to afraid to show it. I thought he wouldn't love a girl who had faked being in love with him for a while, and who could love a broken girl like me. The nightmares that racked my sleep at night.

_**There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay,**_

_**But that's not what gets me.**_

I've pretended for everyone that I can go on with living, even though I killed innocent children. But keeping my love from Peeta, that is where the line is drawn.

_**What Hurts the most.**_

_**Was being so close.**_

I was finally going to tell Peeta I loved him that night before the quarter quell was announced, but now I can't.

_**And having so much to say.**_

_**And watching you walk away.**_

I worked up the nerve that day before we made the plan for the lighting tree on the beach. I can still feel the words on my lips, and still see his back become turned to me.

_**And never knowing, what could have been.**_

_**And not seeing that loving you, is what I was trying to do.**_

I tried to show Peeta how much I loved him, but he couldn't see it. I had made scars that ran too deep.

My parents did fight a lot, so I was always afraid to love. But Peeta showed me different, and now I'll never get to show him.

_** It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go.**_

_**But I'm doing it.**_

When I see how Gale has found himself someone else, and Annie was narrowly rescued from District four for Finnick, I feel so alone. But I still carry on with hope that I can get Peeta back.

_**Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and **_

_**I'm alone.**_

_**Still harder getting up,**_

_**Getting dressed, Living with this regret.**_

I have had to drag myself out of bed, just to face the cruel world once again.

_**But I know, If I could do it over.**_

_**I would change, rearrange all the words that I saved in my heart.**_

_**That I left unspoken.**_

Days went by since that propo from the Capitol and I lived in constant fear, fear that Peeta had been brainwashed by the Capitol so that he could never know anything other than what the Capitol told him.

_**What hurts the most.**_

_**Was being so close.**_

I had all the time in the world to tell him how much I cared for him. Now he 's gone.

_**And having so much to say.**_

_**And watching you walk away.**_

I was there to see off the Capitol rescue team. District 14 had to make sure they got to the Capitol and save the hostages before 13 did. Orion and Arron were among them, and I had knew that they would face many challenges. So I gave them my mockingjay pin to keep them safe.

_**And never knowing, what could've been.**_

_**And not seeing that loving you. Is what I was trying to do.**_

If I had tried harder to prove how much I loved you, would it have convinced the Capitol, and we wouldn't be in this mess?

I waited for months. My birthday came and passed. I fell into a routine, trying to keep my sanity.

I found my rope in my old clothes. It helped me. And the pearl, along with that stringy piece of string. Ken offered to get me a new one, but I declined.

_**What Hurts the most.**_

_**Was being so close.**_

You had been only five feet in front of me for a year. Never any farther than that. Even when we were supposed to be asleep.

_**And having so much to say.**_

_**And watching you walk away.**_

All I saw was that blonde hair that I've longed to run my hands through.

_**And never knowing, what could have been.**_

They came back with Peeta and Johanna. I instantly rushed to Peeta's room in the hospital, pushing aside the doctors, not hearing their protests.

Peeta opened his arms, and I ran straight into them, like a child running into their fathers arms after they came home from war.

Except fathers don't wrap their hands around their children's skinny necks, and try to squeeze the life out of them.

_**And not seeing that loving you. Is what I was trying to do.**_

That was all I wanted. Was to love you.

_**(Not seeing that loving you. That's what I was trying to do.)**_

If I do die, at least I died seeing Peeta's face above me, but the one thing I would've changed was the sickening grin that crossed his face. Like he had won. Even though I'm still alive, in a way, he had. Because he could no longer love me, and I couldn't love a monster. I'll still be looking high and low for you, Peeta. Until I prove to you that loving you was all I was trying to do.

…...

**Anyway, I hope you really liked it. I know that the mood went from all happy to sad, but I had to do that to get to the song part. **

** Pleas review, otherwise I'll take this down. Please know that it would mean a lot to me if you did review because it makes me feel like I made someone happy. If you hated the story, then tell me. If you loved it, then tell me. If there's anything wrong with it, tell me.**

** Review, because it means a lot!**

**Random fact: Donald Duck was banned from Finland because he didn't wear pants.**

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**-Bookworm2700**


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